I have been feeling the gravitational pull of my bed almost since I got out of it this morning. I’d find myself stopped still, staring into space. Or absentmindedly taking a seat in the middle of a short conversation, or propping up my head with my hand. I was still surprised to find myself waking from a deep sleep late this afternoon. I only lay down to meditate for ten minutes and give my neck muscles a proper chance to relax. Not only did I sleep unintentionally but I found it impossible to keep myself awake. Every time I realised I’d drifted off again I had to fight to get my eyes open. On the one hand I was so comfortable and warm and it’d be so easy just to let myself fall asleep again. On the other, I wasn’t supposed to be asleep! At one point I hauled myself up to a seated position believing however drowsy I felt being upright would keep me awake – only to wake up once again under the covers an unknown amount of time later.
I did manage to get upright and on my feet again eventually. But only because my partner came upstairs to investigate my disappearance. I feel a bit cheated. Not only did I miss a huge chunk of my afternoon but I don’t feel I’ve done anything to cause such intense fatigue. Of course fatigue and my other symptoms don’t work in such a straightforward do-this-and-you’ll-feel-that kind of way. If they did then they’d easy to predict and easy to manage. They’re not.
On reflection, I can think of a few things that may have contributed. I had a day out with my friend yesterday which I really enjoyed. It was snowing as we came home and I got a little too cold and a bit overtired. I also had a migraine in the evening (and have had most days this week. I’ve not been using my timer recently so I’ve probably been on my feet more than I realise. And I’m exercising again. While I feel I’m going stupidly slowly, it might not be slow enough.
It could be any of those things or all of them (or none). So I’m reminding myself once again that I won’t find a pattern in one incident. I can just keep doing what I’m doing, taking as good care of myself as I can day to day and accept that sometimes there will be bad days for no good reason (that I can see). It might be the sensible approach but I’m still not happy about it.