Feeling stuck

I managed to get myself down to my allotment today for the first time in a while. But it was herculean effort to get out the door. I was talking to myself as if I was coaxing a reluctant child “just get your coat on” ” see that wasn’t so bad, now get your boots”, “I just want you to give it a try, you don’t have to stay there if you don’t like it”, “there’s no need for this fuss, you like the allotment”. I was glad I had persevered when I got there. The state of the plot wasn’t as bad as I had feared and I planted some garlic. It’s later in the year than I would have liked but better than nothing. The garlic I planted at the end of the year is coming up and the green shoots made me feel a little hopeful. I think one of the hardest thing about low mood/depression is being unable to face doing things that I’d normally love. Everything seems so difficult and ultimately pointless. I have to hang on to the knowledge that this will pass and I’ll feel more like myself again in time. I have always recovered before and there’s no reason to think that won’t happen this time too. I think what is making it harder at the moment is that my health condition will still be here. Even when I get back to a ‘normal’ routine it will be the new normal, and not the life I used to enjoy. In the long-term I may get see a significant improvement – I may not. The possibility that everyday activities will continue to be a struggle indefinitely is dragging me down. However, the only alternative I can think of is not to try. And that’s a pretty miserable prospect too. I guess I’ll have to give it another go.

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